Wedding Update 3: Problems set in...

Okay, so...technically speaking there's already been a few hitches and snags and a few things that might need a more definite ironing out (or rather, beating out with a stick!) But today, in trying to iron the things out that REALLY need it (like reservations, dates, and such) I've managed to somehow run into MORE problems! Some of them are some pretty serious ones at that!

First of all...after much thought...I decided on the date! I decided that I should have it on Saturday, October 27th. But that itself, is causing it's own set of problems as I'll discuss a little later. But first on my BIG problems list - my cake.

My first choice of cake maker was sadly already booked for the weekend before Halloween. So, six days ago I posted on the Facebook page of my 2nd choice of cake maker. Well, they've never gotten back to me! Even though they have posted things on their page since then, so I know they've had to see the notification. So, I figured on a slightly more direct approach. They mentioned that you should e-mail them for cake orders. So, three days ago I sent them an e-mail about reserving the 27th and ordering my cake. Still no reply. I meant to call them today but got back from town much too late to do so. I can only dearly hope that when I call them tomorrow that they will be able to make my cake that weekend...otherwise...well, I don't really know anyone else who could make it! Oh, I'm sure there's other people and places around but I don't know of them and I haven't seen what sort of work they do. I'm in a real pinch here! I don't necessarily need a cake, but I would very much love to!

Onto problem #2 - Reception Venue

My reception is to be at the library in town, in one of their big meeting rooms upstairs. BUT! I called them today and someone answered who sounded....different than normal...in fact at first, I wasn't even sure it was one of the librarians. But I asked about the meeting rooms and, after a few issues, they said they had it and hung up. But a few things about it bothered me...like they didn't double check about the date nor did they ask what times I would need the room for, nor mention the cost (even though last time they told me it was $30 and never took my money...O.o), nor even tell me if anything else was happening that day like they normally do. I figure the person was likely new and might not of been used to taking calls and reserving rooms...but still...it made me feel very unsure about whether I completely have the room or not...guess it made me nervous.

Problem #3 - The Honeymoon

So, the other day I contacted Red River Gorge's cabin rentals about which one of their cabins would be best for stargazing, had a nice mountain-top view, and had wi-fi and the such. They recommended one of their new ones, called Amazing Grace, because several people had said it was one of the best spots up their to watch the night sky and it had both a treeline view and a view of the cliffs below in the gorge. So, I went to their site and found it to be an absolutely beautiful cabin! Plus, it has plenty of room for friends, including Queen bunks for late-night chatting and a game room with pool table! It has everything I could want! Due to their prices though, I decided I would stay there on that Monday and Tuesday (the 29th and 30th). I called them today after reading through their site and seeing that, if I wanted to pay cash, I could give them my credit card number to put a hold on the cabin and pay when I got there. What I apparently missed though, was that you must pay at least 20% on the cabin rental upfront for them to reserve it for you. I...don't have the money...and won't until around the 2nd week of September. It's my DREAM cabin! But...unless I find a way to pony up over $80 very quickly...I'll likely lose out on it. This potential problem is dealing me a crushing and sad blow. I am SO afraid that I won't be able to get the cabin I'm dreaming of! Sure, there's others but...not many have that wonderful ridge-top view I love as well as wi-fi access (which, being the internet addicted person I am, I'll need. Well, that and 3 of my college courses are online...yeah I normally make sure I'm a week ahead in my online work...but some classes don't make that possible with the way they post assignments, plus having internet access assures me that should something go wrong with my work, I'll be able to do something about it while I'm there before it becomes a BIGGER problem! Also, I know I shouldn't be doing homework on my honeymoon...but...this is the real world...and she sucks!)

And then there's Big Problem #4...and my most dreaded one since the beginning...

Guests! Since I'm not sure how many people will take to this whole self-wedding thing, I have been very selective in who I let know about it (such as my closest friends and most open-minded friends). [Although the reception dinner and party is open to any of my friends who want to eat and party!] But, after announcing the date (which was picked because of so many people's complications with attending on Halloween day) I've noticed that I only have a couple or so people who are definite about attending the wedding. (Certainly I would have more if I invited every one of my friends...well, hopefully...they may just all think I'm nuts and make sure not to come! :'(  I wanted to have a small wedding party of really accepting folk...6-8 maybe...something like that. Have someone to officiate, a couple or so bridesmaids, and a few non-participators to watch/take pics, etc. But it looks like, at best...I'll be lucky...if 2-3 people show up! And just to watch at that! No bridesmaids, no officiant....nothing... This just won't work! It's making me terribly distraught and uncertain about the whole thing. It's ruining as much of my confidence as I think it would if my closest friends just up and told me it was stupid and they weren't going to have anything to do with it! I am now having the thought that, maybe I should do it on Sunday instead of Saturday! That'd help right? That was my first choice. But then I thought that Saturday would be better for everyone...that more people could come! Not less! Plus this would give me a whole day of rest after all the partying to go back home, unload the shit ton of decorations and leftovers and get some sleep in before driving 2 hours to the Gorge! I know I can't please everyone's schedules...but still...

Perhaps I'm worrying too much, perhaps it'll be just fine...but...

But...nothing seems to be working out...I was so excited! So pumped! It gave me something to look forward too, something to plan, something to do every day! (I mean, just check out my Pinterest board for some of what I've been doing and planning: Halloween Wedding Board) But now...I'm feeling almost as if I should cancel everything...I've become so disinheartened. I figured on 6-8 wedding guests and close to 20 reception/party guests. Now it looks like at best I'll have 2-3 wedding guests (no wedding party) and maybe...5-6 people at the reception and party! With as much as I was going to do, with as much money as I was planning on spending for this - to make it something fun and great...I'm afraid anything under a total of 10 people...isn't....worth it. And it's killing my very soul. I DON'T want to cancel! I want to have all my friends there! I want to have fun with everyone! (It's starting to feel like all my old birthdays where I ponied up $50-$100 to rent a place and invited every single person I knew and only got like...2... people to show up...at most! Once, no one showed up! And the 2nd time, only 2 came, and one got there because I literally stopped at his house and drug him with me! The last time, I invited 20 friends and expected at least half...I got 5...not a good track record there.)

It always seems like every time I plan something, it goes terribly wrong somehow...and I always wind up crying the night after. I DON'T want that to happen again! This whole thing is about improving myself! Perhaps I should just not care and have it anyway? Because I've always wanted to...because I've dreamed of it for so long. But...what if hardly anyone at all shows up? How about if no one enjoys it? What if I wind up spending the night crying again!? I know I can't expect things to go perfectly (when does it!?) and I know I can be an irritating perfectionist with things, but...I can't help but feel this way (even though feeling hurt as easily as this is one of the things I want to work on improving!)

I also can't help but have that strange feeling that...if this was a REAL wedding...a, me marrying some dude sort of wedding, if it would be different somehow? If more people would be excited and try their best to come? (I can understand things coming up and already having plans and such, I don't hold people accountable for things they can't control and I DEFINITELY don't like guilt-ing (or feeling like I'm guilt-ing) anyone into anything...cause then I...well I feel worse than shit! So maybe I shouldn't even say anything. But isn't keeping things in just as bad? It's what I always do when somethings bothering me, and I hate it...but I also always regret saying something about it too...even when it's true. I'll probably wind up regretting posting this and sharing it. See why I want to have something like this now? I want to make a commitment to improve myself when it comes to things like these!) But, if it was me marrying someone else...would it be different? I have no way of knowing for sure, but I can't help but have that awful feeling in the back of my mind and in my gut that...is this wasn't something so rare, so un-heard of...if it was..."normal"...would this still all be happening? I mean, it certainly could...but would it?

And, I'm sorry to say, but my friends should probably never expect something like a "normal" wedding to happen with me. Sure, it'd certainly be nice to find some asexual guy who likes me and whom I can get along with...but with only around 1% of the population being asexual...what are the chances of that!? And how about if he was a romantic asexual? The hugging, kissing, cuddling type...could he even stand me!? Because I'm not like that...I can't stand those things. Or, even if he wasn't ace, could we get along? Could we make it work? It hasn't happened yet...and quite frankly with as shy and introverted as I am, with as weird and eccentric as I am, I really don't logically see it happening. So, for me, logically speaking, this will likely me the ONLY time I ever get to have a wedding! I want, like every other bride, for this to be great, for it to be fun, for it to be... special...but I have this awfully, sneaking suspicion that, unless things change, it will be nothing more than a complete fail and another check mark on my growing list of failed "fun" events.

Like I said, I'll probably regret posting this and sharing it...but I promise not to delete it. I NEEDED to get this out. Sorry I'm such a sad sack of depression and uneasiness. But, it's truth...it's honesty...it's me and how I feel. I'm sharing it. That's rare. It's hard for me to do. It's something I want to improve...even though it hurts and will likely always hurt. Welcome to my world. Please don't suddenly and frantically change your minds or start apologizing. I know the intention is good...but it only makes me feel worse...for making you feel worse. Please, don't make this harder on me than it already is.