Actually, a while back I started a post...but I've never finished it, so it sits here on my Blogger account in lovely draft form waiting for someone to love it again and finish it. It was going to be my Asexuality 101 post...but I sadly had a fight with it and we're no longer on speaking terms...after all, there's many other wonderful Asexual 101 posts out there for me to lust over...
All the "love" puns here should be pointing your mind somewhere, if the calendar hasn't already. As many of you know, there's this weird red and pink, heart covered holiday known as 'Valentine's Day' (or 'Hearts and Hooves Day' for you bronies out there!) coming up in a few weeks. Scary how it likes to just creep up on you in the middle of winter isn't it? XD Anyway, this post is about love and I figured now is a good time to post it as any! Sadly, it's not about me being all mushy-mushy and lovey-dovey...it actually might be a little sad really. Sorry in advance for bringing on some potential gloom, but these feels of mine have been bothering me for a while now and I need to set them free. Also, the optimists reading this may see this as an interesting look inside of a (longing for love) aromantic asexual's mind.
The thing is that, yes, I identify as aro-ace (shorthand for aromantic asexual.) Now, for some of you, you may be utterly confused as to what that means. Well, a dictionary style description would be: Someone who neither experiences romantic nor sexual attraction to anyone. And for the most part, that fits me well. I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone, do not ever want to have sex, do not desire sex, and see no point in sex with anyone. However, "aromanticism" can be a little bit more difficult according to who you talk to. Some aromantics do not desire relationships at all, besides friends and familial relationships. They don't seek out partners and don't care much for dating. Then there's the aromantics who do want relationships...just without much romantic stuff in it, a platonic sort of relationship. To me, my aromanticism describes the fact that I don't like kissing, cuddling, and hugging, but that I still long for a relationship. (The murky part of aromanticism being of course, what does one consider to be 'romantic' - with me it's mostly physical things (like the hugging, kissing, hand holding, etc.). To others its about being "in love" [whatever that means! XD]. If it's wanting to spend time with someone a lot, thinking about them a lot, willing to risk you life for them sort of thing - well, that's how I feel about all my close friends, so that's friendly love to me, not romantic. Hence why I base my aromanticism on touch.)
But getting more to the point here (now that some explanations are out of the way), I am one of those aromantics who really do long for a relationship. Of course, not wanting sex, and not wanting much to do with any sort of physical affection is sort of a deal-breaker for most prospective partners/dates. True, it's a tough life for any asexual looking for love...bring in a dislike of touch and you've managed to narrow down an already narrow set. Then of course there is the matter of, if you do manage find such a person (perhaps another ace, or even another aro-ace who wants a relationship) will the two of you get along? Are you very compatible? Could you fall "in love"? It makes it all a very difficult, murky mess indeed!
So that's the problem. Here I am an aromantic ace who longs for a loving, emotional, platonic, life-long relationship. It's been driving me crazy as of late (perhaps its just me, perhaps its the 'Winter Blues' who knows). I've tried dating sites (both the asexual sort [trying that one again recently] and the normal sort) and I've gotten some responses, good ones! But after a few messages back and forth...they just suddenly drop out of sight. I always find it odd, because they've read my profile, they know how I am, they seem to be enjoying the conversation, and then BAM! Gone...no more new messages from them ever. I also live in a small, rural area (the middle of nowhere according to some folks! XD) which isn't helping any. Finding another ace is difficult no matter where you are, but if you're not near a big city or have easy access to one, you're really screwed when it comes to finding others! So, it really hurts. There's always that thought with many asexuals, can we find someone willing to accept us the way we are? Will we get along and have a good relationship with that person? It's hard for anyone, asexual or not. But it's even harder considering how limited the search can be when, like me, you're not willing to compromise on sex (some asexuals are, I'm just not one of them.) So it really hurts, I really am longing to find that one awesome person who doesn't want sex or kissing, for someone who doesn't mind if I'm not too enthusiastic about hugging or cuddling. I just want that someone like that, who can make me laugh, make me feel comfortable and happy. I want to truly experience 'love' in that sort of sense. I'm trying to find what I call a platonic life partner. I want that someone I could possibly live with, create a future with, get married to, and possibly even raise a kid with! (Okay, that part I'm still considering...and it'd definitely be through AI - bring on that turkey baster! XD lmao)
But yeah, so I don't want sex. I don't want kissing. I don't care for hugging, cuddling, and hand holding (but I might could compromise with those ones...I've managed over the years to get used to two of my friends tackle hugging me at every chance they get, one's male, one's female...so maybe I could compromise on the hugging bit.) But I do want love. I do want a companion. I do want that 'special someone.' And, if I'm superbly lucky...maybe, one day I will find that. I'll admit I have my very obvious doubts, I don't see it happening logically. But I don't want to give up either! So I'm going to keep up some hope, however small, that some day, I won't be alone. That someday I might find the partner I long for.
And really, isn't that what so many of us want? Perhaps not all of us of course, but many of us do, whether we're homosexual, heterosexual, pansexual, asexual, bisexual, or whatever else! We're not all that different...whether its a sexual relationship, romantic relationship, platonic relationship, friendly relationship, familial relationship...the one thing we all desire - is love. In whatever form we may want it in, we still desire it, one way or the other.
So, no matter your relationship status or how much you even care about such things...
Happy Valentine's Day!
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| And yes, I made this cake! It's rainbow swirled inside! :D |
Some notes - For more info on asexuality or aromanticism, please check out the following links:
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I got here through your tumblr, and i have to thank you for linking to this post. It really resonates a lot with me. You cleared up a few confusions I had about aromanticism (such as whether aromantic covers people looking for committed platonic relationships or not) and also described very eloquently the type of relationship that I envision for myself someday. Or at least what I wish for. I've had some amazing friendships with people, but many times they've dwindled when my friends begin dating someone new. Still, those close friendships have been the best relationships in my life. It makes me so happy to know that other people out there have a similar model that they hope to design their relationships around, because the more of us there are out there, the more likely we will be to find that person someday.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm very glad you liked this post and I'm glad it could help you out! :)
DeleteI actually have a hard time trying to articulate what I'm trying to say, so I'm glad it was understandable and made sense.
And I've had similar things happen with friends, I feel so close to them and then they find a partner and they seem to just sort of drift away. It's really sad when that happens and I wish people could understand that platonic relationships can be just as meaningful and fulfilling as romantic/sexual relationships.
And you're right, the more of us there are, the more chance we have of meeting the sort of person we can share that close platonic bond with. I hope that someday, all of us can find that sort of person. :)